I dug this up from an email exchange after mentioning it and related INTJ stuff to Lyn [Medley] last night at dinner.
Some initial remarks here -- if you're not a similar type, keep in mind it'll feel very strange to you, but THAT'S OKAY. The key here is trying to understand your mate's needs and effectively communicate with them.
When you and your INTJ mate fight, you're going to get an earful of rationalization, and I'm going to try to explain why.
Your INTJ has said, internally, by letting you this far into their emotional life, that their feeling(s) of self worth are now strongly connected to you and your opinions. [this in particular is the sign of a desperately insecure introvert, and I say this quite honestly from having been in those shoes. You may be living with someone less insecure, in which case, they'll be able to take criticism much more calmly. But if they're nervous? Duck and cover, my friend, duck and cover.] So, when you begin to criticize your INTJ, their self worth feels very unstable and under attack. It has nothing to do with you qua you, it has to do with being insecure and afraid as a person. Your INTJ will respond this way to any perceived attack by someone who they've let inside - and the level of paranoia, so to speak, is directly related to how close the attacker is to the INTJ, emotionally.
So, when someone like that feels they're under attack, they will immediately counterattack, by any means possible, up to and including absurd-sounding levels of rationalization, in order to stop your 'attack'. It's all about changing the subject from themselves to a more abstract problem, or you, to society, or gender roles, or whatever.
Now, please, BELIEVE me when I say it really has nothing to do with you. It's you as someone your INTJ has allowed close to them.
The thing to do, with an introvert in this situation, is not make them feel under attack. "I" or "You" statements from you that are critical of them ["I feel", "You do"] will feel like direct assaults. Avoid them unless you feel like fighting -- hey, it can be real cathartic, if you're pissed, let it out.
- avoid "I feel" or "You do" statements unless you want to fight
- keep the discussion abstract
Neutral, practical ["What", "How", "Where"] statements like, "What shall we do about the childcare arrangements?", followed immediately by a list of options, have a much better chance of resulting in a dispassionate discussion that actually goes somewhere. Because then you're posing a problem for your INTJ to solve. And we are hardwired to solve problems.
Even though they may be unhappy about the underlying source of the problem [say, getting divorced, or which one of you relocates to be near the other], you'll still engage them on the analytical level, whether they wants to be engaged or not.
Dispassion, intellectualism, and abstraction, for an INTJ, are key.