Poking fun at net.romeos

I've been lucky, I don't get many sweet nothings poured in my delicate, seashell-pink ear via email simply because I have a website. I have friends who do, thank god, so I get to lampoon the misguided efforts of their unsolicited email suitors. Feel free to insert an evil laugh here. Go on, I'll wait.

I have in particular one friend of both Pakistani and northern European extraction, who is

a. a woman of great inner and outer beauty, wit, and charm, and a great sense of humor;
b. raised as Muslim, which is apparent on her website;
c. with a photo of herself on her website.

And when a particularly choice Mr. Net D. Romeo comes a-callin',....oh, sometimes I just gotta. Now, you have to understand, some of the South Asian Romeos are simply incredible -- I get 'em now and then because of my name, but not often -- you get a marvelous sense of cognitive dissonance reading these things, assuming they're coherent at all.

But I digress.

One of the most amazing emails I've ever seen presented itself recently, chocked so full of possiblilities I hardly knew where to begin. I finally had to limit myself to the following, in response to an epistle sent by a self-described "rebel". The more familiar you are with net.romeos, South Asian ones in particular, the more likely this is to amuse you.


Wife Wanted

Please respond to my inquiry if you meet the following qualifications
for the position "My Wife".

Job Description:

Act as good right arm in battle against infidels of secular
humanism. Exchange witty, barbed repartee with senators and other
leaders during diplomatic functions in the US and abroad. Conduct
arm-twisting while wearing 5" heels and black seamed stockings.
Transition from highest social mileiu to hidden mountain or
salt marsh rebel bases on regular schedule. Multiple languages a
plus. Frequent travel required.

Job Requirements:

1. Familiarity with computers and the Internet. Facility with
   programming languages not required.
2. Take the wing off a fly at 75 paces with an M16.
3. 2-3 years experience as a model -- runway or catalog.
4. Toastmaster membership or other public speaking experience.
5. Fertility.
6. Bachelor's or graduate degree, or equivalent work experience.

Marshland survival and marketing techniques a plus!